Zane's story part 5a Wednesday, Good Sam

It seems somewhat fitting that on a Wednesday I will attempt to finish Zane's story that took such a drastic turn on a Wednesday. We had received the referral on Thursday. Tuesday we had learned that Zane's surgery was to fix pyloric stenosis and we had gotten the medical record which was written in English. We were still uncertain though. We had this strange low hemoglobin value with no explanation.
Wednesday morning I got up and started my Bible study. My group and I had been working through the book Believing God by Beth Moore. Interestingly, that morning the task in the workbook was to look up a whole bunch of different verses. As I went through them I was struck by the running theme. They all spoke about God's power, God's faithfulness, and how to have faith and trust in him. By the end of the set of verses I was saying "Ok God. I get that I'm supposed to have faith. But what do I have faith in? Do I have the faith to say no? or the faith to say yes to this baby?"
I headed off to volunteer that morning. Dave and I volunteer at a low income health clinic. I wanted to get there in time for their devotions because I wanted them to pray for us. While I drove to Good Sam I prayed for God to answer my question. To give me the information I needed to make the right decision. Due to traffic I arrived slightly late. The doctor had already started the devotion. Interestingly, he was talking about having faith. Hmmmmm. He related it the field of finances, but I related it to my own situation. He reminded us that God takes care of each of his creatures. He dresses up the flowers in their time and makes them beautiful. He cares for the animals, gives them the food and shelter they need. How much more does he care for us? He told us that we may not get everything we want, but he will provide all that we need because he has promised to do so.
When Jake finished, I shared my story and our request for prayers for guidance. I bawled all the way through the conversation and prayer. I so desperately wanted to make the right choice for my family.
After prayers, Jake caught me attempting to pull myself together in another room. He shared with me one of his adoption stories. He told me about how when they were going to adopt their oldest child, that a group of missionaries had visited the orphanage where he was. They brought back the report that something was wrong with his hearing. Jake and Sajini had to decide if they would still accept a hearing impaired child. He said that he understood some of the conflict I was feeling. They decided that they would accept the child anyway, and started learning sign language. Miraculously, when they got him home, they found that he had horrible ear infections. When they got the infections cleared away, the child's hearing was normal. He told me that we just needed to trust God for the decision. I told him that I wanted to trust God, but I didn't know what decision to make. I had previously shared about how we had decided not to accept Yared if he had anything other than pyloric stenosis. Jake looked at me and said, "It sounds like you have put some pretty specific things in front of God and it looks like he has answered you."
And with those simple words, my world fell apart. I was consumed by fear. I said something to end the conversation, the ran to the bathroom and sobbed. I asked myself why I was so afraid of this baby? Why was I so afraid of the unknown? Did I not believe that God would take care of me and my current children through our circumstances?
I must apologize to all the patients I drew blood on that day. I was a complete wreck and shaking like a leaf while I was sticking them with large needles. (I didn't miss any though.)
During one lull, I was in the lab spinning some blood. The dentist at the clinic happened to walk by. I had not met her before and she had not come to the devotions that morning. She told me her name was Gloria. She asked me some about myself, and we found that we had a military background in common, mine being a child of a member of the military. After talking about that a little, out of the blue, she says "You know what I want in my life? I want to trust God more. I feel like everything we do is half-assed and I want to trust him completely and see where is takes me!"
At this point I had to laugh. I felt like I had been bludgeoned. I told her my story and she got a huge smile on her face. She told me that it wasn't about making the "right" choice. It was about trust. She continued on to tell me about a miracle in her own life. A child that we was told she would never conceive, who is now 10. She said "Just take the baby and God will take care of the rest!". I headed home feeling beaten, but somehow comforted.